I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.