I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’d … I’d rather not.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Who knew!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*