I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.