@AudreyPorne

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

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@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

@SteveSuckington

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

@MarfSalvador

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

@RobDenBleyker

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@jonnysun

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@Lil_Baked_Baker

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments