“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
mumsnet is amazing
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I like crazy people until they notice me