@AudreyPorne

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

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@Parkerlawyer

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@HenpeckedHal

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

@Ohaiqtpie

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.