I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments