After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.