I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Wise advice
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.