I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I came this close!!!!
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.