Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Living the best life.. 😊

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.