Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”