Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

ㅤ

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.