I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I used the label maker
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?