I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Lmao 🤣
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.