I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
You Might Also Like
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented