I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
It do be feeling this way.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.