I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
You Might Also Like
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I drew y’all a little something.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.