Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

I can fix him.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?