“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.