“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed