“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Need this in my life lol
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends