“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Hero horse inspires millions
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.