I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Phonetics
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I might give this a try 😏
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.