I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
What the hell happened in there??
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Joseph Smith, 1833
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”