I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
this chia pet tastes awful
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
