I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
TEETH IS INNOCENT
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Terribly Tuesday.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
A Short Story.
