I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
You Might Also Like
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The three genders