I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
