I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
my first day as a raccoon
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
😭😭
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I’m giving up for Lent.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs