I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.