Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Rooting for the overdog
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-