“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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new career option?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
This makes total sense…
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
What flavor cupcake are these
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me