Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site