“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.