I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
You Might Also Like
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.