Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.