Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

“No way.” -Jose

“I’m helping” 😅

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Camping tip: No.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.