Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

How does someone manage that 🤨

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop