I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….