I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Breaking news:
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Glasses
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point