Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…