I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression