I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
You Might Also Like
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-