Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

A dad and his duck

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”