Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.