I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.