I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO