Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Weirdos gonna weird.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

For the orator and chef in all of us

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.