I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Breakfast in bed.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.