I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
