Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’