Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

rest in peas

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?