Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Love this one 😂🧟

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.