I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
spicy snake
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!