“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
How it started How it’s going
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.