“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.