Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Become ungovernable.

Wait a second…

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.