I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️