I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
What happened to the other hiker??!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not