I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Good news
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.