Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.