I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Windchimes
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
