I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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“Sheer Arrogance”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Lol
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”