I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
