I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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Scream sneezers need love too.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
#Caturday
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being