“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My love language is hissing.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not