“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[eulogy]
line?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
i will not be silenced
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?