“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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can’t catch a break
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?