“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
sigh
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster