I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Möther may I have a snäck
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Favourite diary entry ever
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*