Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

☺️

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.