Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?