I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.