Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

The sacred texts.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.