Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

What?

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

i love modern commerce

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.