Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Breaking news:

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.