Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

The news is so predictable nowadays

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down