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[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.