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Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.