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It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”