[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account